Monday, December 3, 2012
I haven't felt good this weekend and something just feels "off."
I felt sick on Saturday and have felt physically fine on Sunday and today for the most part but not myself.
I feel like I've lost part of myself. I don't know what part though or how it has happened.
Nothing drastic changed, there was no life altering event. Nothing.
Just me, myself and I struggling. Really, truly, struggling.
I feel like I'm in the thick of it, in a dark, nasty place where every single bit of encouragement has gone out the window.
I can't think positively. I blame myself. I'm not sure who I am or why anymore.
It's odd to me and I cannot figure out a why, but there isn't always a why.
There isn't always a problem that can be identified that has a solution. Life isn't an equation I need to solve.
I feel challenged to depend on God more, but don't know how.
I feel like I'm not close enough, but don't know how to get closer.
I want to do what matters, but how do I know what matters?
How does studying for a Calculus test every week and a Stats test every other week doing what matters?
I feel fired up by that statement one minute, one hour and then the next? It sounds cheesy.
What does "doing what matters" even look like to me?
And I think I've hit a road block. I don't know what the why is and I can't pinpoint a purpose.
I can't come back to the issues, identify where the "why" has gone wrong and fix it.
I would like to fix myself.
I cannot fix myself and at the moment, that is beyond frustrating.
I want to be better, feel better and feel like myself again.
But I feel frozen, not sure if it's my typical frozen-by-fear self or if it's something new and different.
It surely doesn't feel right.
I feel like the answer lies within God, but I don't know how to find it.
How do I find the answer from Him, friends? How do I get back to the point of saying God is good and truly meaning it with my heart and soul?
Prayer is my game plan. Trying to study the Bible is a worthwhile effort but I'm not sure if I'm going in with the correct mindset.
Is there a correct mindset to going to the Bible for answers?
I wish there was a correct formula, a right and a wrong for all of this.
This challenge, I will overcome it.
I just wish I had the answer key.
Posted by Mackenzie at 8:00 PM