Friday, December 14, 2012

Heartbroken

I've been shaken to the core by the event that happened today in Connecticut  My thoughts and prayers go out to the families that lost loved ones today. I cannot even imagine, heart breaking.

Today is the day to mourn with those who mourn and grieve with those who grieve. Not to argue over laws and regulations, today is about being thoughtful. Incredibly thoughtful.

These unfortunate, horrible events are unexplainable  There is no why that can be pinpointed and solved. We live in such a fallen world.

I'm so grateful that this world is not my own, that I have a Savior who has saved me. Filled me with grace, forgiven me. Given me hope, even in the darkest of moments.

Unfortunately, these extremes highlight what matters most. What we seem to forget matters when there is a Calculus test on Monday or family tensions are running high.

I'm still trying to figure out what matters most to me, truly and honestly. I cannot confidently state to y'all in two sentences what matters to me most. But I do know what doesn't matter...wasted time on Facebook or Twitter, comparing myself to others, worrying instead of action.

This weekend, I'm reeling in on wasted time because every single moment that I am given on this earth is for a purpose. It was given with intention. And the moment I stop living my life to glorify the One who has given me all of this, it's a life that has lost its meaning.

I'm beyond grateful for Christ, who can meet me in my confusion, in my hurt for the families that I haven't met. For the parents of beautiful babies, mourning the loss of a piece of themselves. I'm hurting tonight and I can only imagine what the individuals involved in todays incident must be going through.

My heart is heavy, full of prayers and aching, resting in the comfort of God today, who can give us what we need most in these moments.

Matthew 5:4  Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

How can I encourage you?

Do you need prayer?
Would you love a message of encouragement?
Need a once-a-week bit of Scripture to keep you going?
Please let me know.
I'd love to be praying for you. I'd love to be encouraging you.
Please, let me!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I want to be a teacher.

I'm feeling like myself again and I am so grateful. That meant that I got to go to my elementary school reunion tonight.
My heart is so full and so grateful for the night I was able to have with the small group of people that I learned how to learn with.
We laughed, we giggled, we talked about memories that I had long forgotten. There was something about being in those rooms and buildings again that made it all come flooding back.
I loved elementary school. Every day I loved school, I truly enjoyed my time there.
It brought back memories of Valentine's Day. Where everyone would bring someone their ideal lunch. We'd all bring lunches and give them to each other (secretly) and we would all receive the lunch of our dreams.
It was the sweetest, most thoughtful event I ever thought imagined.
Is there a way to re-create this in a high school setting? Because if there is, oh I am going to bring it back.
100%
Tonight, I left with a feeling of purpose, after listening to Mark Driscoll's sermon on Work and Worship in the car on the way there, I felt a change.
New intention was found in the why of me wanting to be a teacher to first graders.
I want to encourage them and be the person that believes in them, even if nobody else does.
I want them to shoot for the moon, because they will land among the stars.
I want to encourage my students to be the best that they can be and not let anyone tell them that they aren't good enough or smart enough. They can do whatever they believe they can do, which means the sky is the limit.
I would be so grateful to play this roll in student's lives. To be the one that is encouraging them. I'd love it.
Sure, teaching is a job that is not glamorized or makes millions, but I believe I'd be following the path that God has me on at the moment.
Maybe what I'm feeling right now changes, that I find that God has a different path for me and that I will encourage others in a different way. But right now, after tonight, I feel so motivated to see this as the why of being a teacher.
I'm so excited to put in the work and study so that I can be the encouragement that these student's need to make the best world possible.
Tonight, I am so grateful. Grateful for my elementary school, for a game of ultimate bump that never changes, and the incredible friends that I've made throughout the years.
God is good. 

ps: I brought that leaf into my fourth grade science classroom and Katie still teaches in that room, with that leaf, eight years later. Absolutely amazing.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Clinging

I'm struggling and having a hard time figuring out where I am at the moment.
I haven't felt good this weekend and something just feels "off."
I felt sick on Saturday and have felt physically fine on Sunday and today for the most part but not myself.
I feel like I've lost part of myself. I don't know what part though or how it has happened.
Nothing drastic changed, there was no life altering event. Nothing.
Just me, myself and I struggling. Really, truly, struggling.
I feel like I'm in the thick of it, in a dark, nasty place where every single bit of encouragement has gone out the window.
I can't think positively. I blame myself. I'm not sure who I am or why anymore.
It's odd to me and I cannot figure out a why, but there isn't always a why.
There isn't always a problem that can be identified that has a solution. Life isn't an equation I need to solve.
I feel challenged to depend on God more, but don't know how.
I feel like I'm not close enough, but don't know how to get closer.
I want to do what matters, but how do I know what matters?
How does studying for a Calculus test every week and a Stats test every other week doing what matters?
I feel fired up by that statement one minute, one hour and then the next? It sounds cheesy.
What does "doing what matters" even look like to me?
And I think I've hit a road block. I don't know what the why is and I can't pinpoint a purpose.
I can't come back to the issues, identify where the "why" has gone wrong and fix it.
I would like to fix myself.
I cannot fix myself and at the moment, that is beyond frustrating.
I want to be better, feel better and feel like myself again.
But I feel frozen, not sure if it's my typical frozen-by-fear self or if it's something new and different.
It surely doesn't feel right.
I feel like the answer lies within God, but I don't know how to find it.
How do I find the answer from Him, friends? How do I get back to the point of saying God is good and truly meaning it with my heart and soul?
Prayer is my game plan. Trying to study the Bible is a worthwhile effort but I'm not sure if I'm going in with the correct mindset.
Is there a correct mindset to going to the Bible for answers?
I wish there was a correct formula, a right and a wrong for all of this.
This challenge, I will overcome it.
I just wish I had the answer key.