Saturday, October 6, 2012

A Bad Seed

This morning was a hard morning for my family. It pointed out all the icky divorce-causing-lack-of-communication-problems we have. It was a tear filled morning. It was beyond frustrating after such a peaceful streak, one filled with new communication. We were being patient with ourselves and being patient with each other. It was everything I'd been praying for and a bit more.

This weekend my brother came home from boarding school, and with our whole family back "together" again, I think the flaws came out. The transition back was hard. Old habits that we're trying to break were back. Sleep got mixed up, food wasn't constant like it is at Brown Hall. Looking back there were many flaws, little fractures that built up to the huge crumble we had this morning. Oh my, was this morning rough.

Being in this situation, in our situation, is hard on me. It challenges me and causes me to be bent and twisted in ways I never, ever ould have imagined. Ever. Finding perspective in the middle of it is hard, hard stuff. Our instinct is to hold on to the anger, to the hurt and to the tears. They overhaul ourselves and we become negative, hurt, confused shells. My family becomes one that I don't recognize, but these days happen and history has shown that when you're at the lowest of lows, the only place left to go is up. And this afternoon, we're trying to go up.

It's a process. It's not immediate. We're still wallowing in the pit for a bit, letting the suffering go on, even if we don't want it to. Because the reality of life is that we live in a fallen world, the suffering is bound to happen and the pain doesn't always go away as quickly as we'd like. I prayed like mad as this was going on, that both sides would just act in love instead of so much hurt. God's grace allowed me to forgive quicker than any other family member in this situation. Forgiveness. C.S. Lewis's quote was running through my head and I knew that every word of it was nothing but true.

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”-C.S. Lewis

I quickly felt the presence of the Lord as my prayers were heard, not answered but heard. Someone was listening to me and my side of the situation, even if no one in my family was responding the way I wanted them to. Instead of texting a friend to pray, I prayed powerfully myself. I knew throughout the whole event, that my only value, my only stronghold, is the Lord (Ephesians 2:20). The only one that I can depend on always as my constant is Christ. A challenging idea for the world today and one I still am working on. Understanding that God is always there? Got it. Understanding that everything could fall away and crumble, I could be without everything I've ever known an He'd be there? Not so much. But I work on and build on my relationship with the Lord every single day. I'm so excited to know where He'll take me. That He will provide me with everything I'll ever need, even if I don't always believe it. God's grace and mercy triumphs, y'all. Let's live lives that show we believe it.

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